The holidays are here. For children, the calendar turns and the joy just appears.
But there are silent sufferers behind all of that Christmas cheer: The mothers, the caregivers, those "chosen" for the work are left to it – "Mama Clauses" producing all of the magic, because they do it better anyway, right?
"Usually, we delegate to the person who's suited for the job," said Dr. Regina Lark, who has a doctorate in women's history. "It's hardly fair, or equitable."
Lark has dedicated her life to helping create systems in homes. As a professional organizer, she physically lifts the burden of clutter off of women, but that is only half of her work. She also helps lift the impossible standards some women have set for themselves, especially this time of year.
"I'm being hired by really cool, smart, professional women who are overwhelmed and sad and they are depressed … they don't know why they can't keep up with all of this," Lark said as she described how her company began.
Many women have resonated with Lark's Ted Talk on emotional labor and the myth of "women's work" published in July. Even more are watching now that the holiday season is here.
Lark's company, A Clear Path, has been successful because she started looking through the lens of women's history and thought "well, why are women doing all of this? It's not like you need a vagina."
"Who decided work has a gender?" Lark said in her Ted Talk. "Say the phrase 'men's work,' did you think vacuuming? But all we have to do is say 'women's work' and, bam, instant global understanding."
And what permeates "women's work" is the mental load of emotional labor, she continued in her talk. "Emotional labor is mostly invisible," Lark said. "It's the remembering, reminding, planning, noticing, anticipating. It's the juggling multiple calendars trying to do it all."
But there is actually no reason this emotional labor should fall to cisgender women. Everyone, despite their gender, is mentally capable of doing this work, Lark explained, and the labor burden is meant to be shared.
The only reason women are doing it all, is quite simply, because we always have.
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Melissa Fulenwider, a mom of two in Texas, knows what it feels like to carry the emotional burden of Christmas planning. But her 2020 Facebook post pushing back on the notion resurfaces every holiday season as frantic moms hustle to make everything perfect.
"Driving down the road this morning thinking about what else I can get my kids for Christmas this year," she wrote in the post.
"We have some presents under the tree but NOT ENOUGH! It was that thought - 'NOT ENOUGH'- that stopped me in my tracks," her post continued.
She reflected back on the expectations and financial pressures she felt that year. She just had to remind herself of what she cherished most when she was young.
"The laughter. The food. The Mariah Carey Christmas Album blasting from every speaker in the house," she wrote.
We will only remember the way we felt, Fulenwider emphasized. So, we can choose to feel anxious over the things our kids will likely forget in the name of the "perfect Christmas," or we can choose to be present.
Her post has garnered nearly 7,000 comments and more than 250,000 shares.
"It's so crazy that it resonated with so many people," Fulenwider told USA TODAY.
"It's just kind of the way it is... I think a lot of time as women, we do just put that pressure on ourselves. It's not that our kids are pressuring us even," Fulenwider said.
However, the perfect Christmas really is when we can look at all of the things on our to-do list and say, "this is good enough," she said, because we know what matters most doesn't require much "doing."
Lark would agree with Fulenwider. "We want to help women get to 'good enough, not perfect,'" Lark shared: the good enough house, the good enough food, the good enough gifts.
Here are some tips from Lark and Fulenwider for managing the emotional and physical load of the season.
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